a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
(posted on Tuesday, February 1 by eii wyy nae.)
wisdom is one thing. a wise decision is another. if this year had a goal, it may have been de~naiivifying myself as quickly as possible w/out permanently damaging my hold on hope. i made a meta~decision early in this process that has translated into daily micro~decisions to give myself some slack. two parts. 1) some. as in not none & not too much. 2) slack, as in letting go of my embarrassment @ how many stupid things come out of my mouth every day, my disgust @ my slow progress on my goals, my disappointment in my relatively small ability to influence & contribute.
slack, as in saying, well, maybee you'll do better tomorrow knowing what you know from today. slack, as in saying, youre making great progress, your speed is above average, just flow w/ it, chill out girlie. giving myself the same compassion & appreciation i hand freely to others. Oh & swallowing it whole. thats the part thats mostly magician~work. this is hard to do, but whats harder is getting into the habit of doing it. reprogramming the brain is a very slow process. lots of missteps.
most days im putting myself out in the world more publicly than im comfortable w/ & i feel less confident about how im received than i'd like. i soothe or battle my anxiety depending on the day, or walk quietly if it seems to bee sleeping. i might have had to quit by now if it wasnt for deliberately taking the time to comfort & bee kind w/ myself. i might have lost my grip.
i said to nad this morning that most of my wisdom is in retrospect & its absolutely true. she said that makes it no less wise & since she's a wise woman herself, i"ll take it. it points to something important. whenever i try to bee smart or knowledgeable, to take my wisdom & make it do something, it forsakes me. when that happens, what takes over, bee it reason or emotion, knocks me just enough off course that recovery feels outside my power.
when i go in w/ nothing, feeling empty & useless & let myself bee in the problem, often the path clears itself for me. but not always & the fear of public failure makes me loathe to trust it. when will i get wise.
~~~
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
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