a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
coulda, shoulda, woulda.
(posted on Sunday, January 30 by eii wyy nae.)
what should youve done this year but didnt because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing. {bonus : will you do it.} should is a difficult word for me. now, could ~ could i can work w/. what could ive done ... coulda, shoulda, woulda. this line of thinking feels like a rat~hole of self~indulgent confession. but avoidance. thats a prompt thats not to bee passed by unattended. what am i avoiding. here's one : letting go of longing.
longing gets in the way of my presence & longing feeds my imagination. like tv feeds the imagination of millions, setting up standards & comparisons they can use to judge life status, my longing gives me a quick fix peek into what could bee better than this. my longing is like an addiction. it seems to bee attached to particular wishes, but if they come to fruition, the longing just finds another host. several things i long for seem just enough out of reach that they are perpetually outside the bounds of what currently seems possible. when something i long for happens, its no time @ all before i treat those miracles as common place, just "what is." & long for something else.
ive avoided letting go of longing, in part because i feel like it keeps me going. w/out it, i would need to say, this is what im, this is where im & its not what i expected or even what i thought i wanted. yet it is a wonderful life. more than that, i think im afraid to let it go. somewhere in me, i believe that longing keeps me from despair when things seem hard {impossible}, sad {unbearable}, dull {always the same}, hard to understand {pointless}. longing says, it doesnt have to always bee like this. if this thing or that happened, everything would bee different! better!
longing pretends to bee hope & it does a pretty good impersonation. but if you look closely, the makeup is caked on. so here's my fear : what if i let go of longing & there's nothing left of what i thought was hope. what then. will i fall. can i get back up from that or does the fall alone take my breath from my body. im hoping to wean myself off longing by building my muscles in curiosity, wonder, openness, attention, welcome, benefit~of~the~doubt/slack, compassion & love. to name a few. it takes practice to keep employing these when fear, anxiety, "what will they think" & "how will that impact me" take over. its also hard to remember to change my thinking patterns before i spend too much time in the old ones.
all that work will bee for naught if im too afraid to let the longing go. i guess where i really need to spend my time in on hope. it might help if im sure that i can even tell the difference between longing & hope, untangle that mess in my mind & heart. ‘11, im ready. lets make me hopeful.
~~~
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
