♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

happy ~ it feels neither big enough, or small enough to contain all that is in my heart

(posted on Sunday, March 14 by eii wyy nae.)

someone said in my blogline’s comments awhile back that i don’t seem to be happy & when i read this, i was struck by how narrow the perimeter of that word is. happy. it feels neither big enough, or small enough to contain all that is in my heart.

still, it’s true that it’s been one of those weeks & in fact it’s been one of those years. & by that i mean that i’ve been preoccupied a great deal here with the day to day, also with a pervasive feeling of not getting as far as i need to with my life; not doing as much as i should or whatever.

the thing i kind of keep forgetting & then bumping into again & again is the fact that i have a ‘recovery from a life not lived’ this year & really, that is a big fucking deal even though it’s something that happens all the time to nearly every woman & most of them are not nearly as lucky as i’m with their lot, i think. or so not.

having such ‘recovery’ is derailing in the best & worst ways. it splinters your heart & your objectives. it makes you become & also destroys small {& possibly shallow} parts of who you once were. {who was i at seventeen/eighteen anyway. what did i want}

how we measure our lives is so strangely, imperfectly, foolishly, relative. my life this year has seemed particularly small to me some days, sometimes i want to sob because of its smallness. on these days my dreams become thunderous & sharp against my ribs inside my heart. nut who am i, really, to feel anything beyond the gift of this life. so i’ve a fucking sore. so. fucking. what. it all seems small when you think of haiti. or afghanistan. or what life must look like behind the crazy political & literal barbed wire curtain of north korea.

so that’s where i’ve been : feeling kind of sorry for myself because i’m turning twenty~one in another 5/6 months & i’m not sure about the whole success bit. what it means, or if i’ve achieved it, or if it even matters.

i know i get caught up in this a lot, even with just simply posting here. i trick myself into this mindset that i always have to write something relevant & this year has been one of many quiet moments & a lot of angst about making ends meet, so without meaning to i’ve stopped noticing the small things, stopped writing about how the world makes me feel full to the brim with its beauty, always, nearly every day.

~~~