♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

some days are harder than others.

(posted on Tuesday, February 23 by eii wyy nae.)

today i’m thinking about how some people say that we’re only in this body; only the ligaments & bones that comply with gravity & beg for sleep; that we belong only to a body that thirsts & swells & lunges with awkward elbows towards the things it wants.

as if this could be enough; as if it is. as if these alveoli that hold our breath are all of it. as if the way when you look out at the landscape in the morning after it has snowed again & everything is a tableau of white on white & wince, it is only reflex & not a gypsy longing for the time when buds will swell fat with spring.

“as if white on white & skin & breath are really all of it.” i said. i’m thinking about this because last night after falling asleep, tilly~belle woke up just after midnight & fussed {which is unusual} & after she was quiet again, i kept feeling strangely tugged back to the present tense, yet not entirely.

i couldn’t sleep & yet i couldn’t fully feel awake. i could feel myself falling asleep over & over literally. & the falling suddenly terrified me & i’d lurch to consciousness again, heart suddenly thundering, my mind a herky~jerky montage of images & words.

has this ever happened to you. have you ever found yourself dislocated just beyond yourself, not awake entirely, but not deeply asleep either. this is what i know: that to fall asleep means to loosen your hold on this life. it means to slip, to disengage, to become permeable & huge: a thing of memory; a thing of dreams; a thing that exists beyond this body; a thing not in this bedroom or beyond it, but somewhere else entirely where time doesn’t follow itself like a dog chancing its tail, hour after hour.

do you’ve a better answer.

~~~