♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

between living in the past & living in grace.

(posted on Thursday, February 4 by eii wyy nae.)

this morning you can find me in the corner of my starbucks, cozy with a venti & the rain dripping down the windows. *dream mode* it’s on a big street so when i get sick of writing. i watch cars. or i witter. they’ve rearranged the seats in here so i can hole up in the corner in a a soft chair & have an outlet nearby. perfection.

or later today you might find me in my living room with tilly~belle. we’ll be watching the berenstain bears & playing war with playing cards on the sofa. the kitty~kat might be sleeping on the floor next to us. maybe you’ll find me washing dishes or tap tap tapping on my lappy getting a blog post ready for the next day. you might find me texting a friend or returning some emails. i might be editing some photos.

i’d all these things, but i’m not the sum of what i’d. or what i’ve done. i know i’ve written about this before but i want to clarify something because a few weeks ago a former reader emailed me & said this : “i’m sick of hearing you talk about your affair. get over it, will you?” & then she promptly unsubscribed from my email feed. that’s fine. i know people do that. i get the email notifications.

but it actually made me think about something. i don’t want to be the girl who camps in the past, who can’t look forward, who has to use her “problems” or her sin to create her identity today. i don’t want to be that girl. i don’t want to wear my sin like a badge. because i’m not proud of it. i’m proud of the grace god has bestowed on me, but i’m not proud of my sin. i never will be.

but here’s the thing. it is part of me. it just is. call it a consequence or a catalyst but it’ll always be a part of me. just like my childhood, my relationship with coco etc. those are all parts that make up who i’m. so i’m not going to be the girl that camps in the past {because god knows none of us want to listen to milli vanilli & wear doc martens again} & i’ll not wear my sin like a i~can~weave~a~basket patch, sewn on my shirt with the careful, even stitches of maaa.

i’ll however, let the grace of god that was given to a woman wretched and sin~ridden continue to cover me, refresh me & renew me. & if i’ve to recall that time, if i speak of god’s grace to others & use my own life as an example, if i write god’s story in a book, then i’ll. if god gives me the honor of talking to some of YOU who have doubts with me, who have gone through the storm or who have visited hell like i’ve, then i’m truly humbled. i welcome it & pray that god continues to give me wisdom as i talk to you.