♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

on a scale of 1 to best.

(posted on Sunday, December 13 by eii wyy nae.)

excited about winter & christmas in manchester soon, very soon {it’s a splendid thing daddy needs to attend a conference in manchester whilst jayy’s daddy is running a new business in kent & i might/might not get to see my loveliests roaming in london}, woo~hoo but i'm not & if i'm going to be honest with myself & all of you reading this the "joy to the world" season has never been a favorite of mine. i'm not sure when it happened but something did quite a long time ago. the people pushing &the exhausted kids crying & the adults complaining all while trying to buy gifts for those they love upsets me. something in it is missing for me & i wish i could put an exact finger on it but i can't.

spin around in circles like a little girl with a yellow pants on & squint at the moon while looking for “the man” & sit in a field of flowers & point at the stars & dream about the goodness that tomorrow will bring – even if it’s a foot of snow & hold hands with your bestie.

i remember exactly what i was feeling as i took this picture. i felt at peace, that all was right with the world. i felt so content & happy with this knowledge of universal right-ness {for lack of a better word}, even though i really had no proof of it, even though my life at the time was pretty crazy & not always in a good way. the feeling was so sure though, that still, two months later {though i just got around to uploading it}, i remember that feeling with such vividness.

it’s a good feeling to remember & to feel, especially in these hectic holiday times. sometimes it feels like we’re too caught up in making the perfect holiday that we don’t take the time to enjoy it. we find ourselves baking, cooking, cleaning, decorating, planning for work parties, friends, family, visiting, traveling ... LONDON! goodness the list goes on. for me, this year is more toned down than other years, at least so far. in a couple of days & i’ll be flying out {without our kitty~kat} to travel up north & then i’m sure it’ill be much more busy.

until then, i’m loving the slow & unhurried kinds of celebrating. like making christmas cookies {because baking is my destressor} & cranking the christmas tunes & subsequently dancing around in the kitchen to “jingle bell rock”. or taking time to put up our tiny christmas tree & each of us sharing stories about our ornaments & their pasts or chasing the cat around the apartment to get back an ornament i thought was tasty, then sipping hot chocolate all four of us cuddled on the couch watching hockey. these are the moments that are special to me at christmas time. in these quiet, simple times, i feel again that peace i had when i took this photo.

i don't love decorating a christmas tree or baking cookies or finding the perfect wrapping paper. when the kids were little & christmas was seen through their eyes : the big trees, the lights, presents from santa - it filled my heart but that was years ago & now christmas feels like an obligation of sorts & i don't want it to feel that way.

i'm going to make a promise to myself this year that next year will be different. next year i want to give only to the families on the giving tree & spend the day with my family serving meals at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. yep. i think next year is going to be my year.

i hope.