they say anxiety & depression stem from an imbalance, when your actions are not aligned with your core values this causes guilt, shame, anger & a lot of other gloomy emotions. one thing i’ve noticed that i’m still challenged with is avoidance. avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable. another part of the avoidance is not really knowing what to do in this new space i’m in, where before reacting {instead of responding} & engaging in drama {instead of getting to the root of it} was my formula for handling stressful situations.

the maintenance of change is the most tricky part because it is quiet & rather boring at times & the temptation to shake things up is always simmering at the surface of my being. i’ve found that admitting i avoid, admitting that sometimes i don’t know what to do, admitting that i’ve 100 times more questions than answers & admitting that i just don’t know a lot of things right now is a comfort because there is no struggle in surrender, only truth.

because i’m tired of waiting for inspiration to magically come. because creativity is more than just fairydust its action too. because i want to break out of the mindset that everything i write here needs to be meaningful deep or beautiful. because sometimes the boring mundane bits are just as interesting.

i’m in the process of moving, that means a whole lotta sorting through the past. you know, all those journals you shift from house to house, photographs, concert stubs etc, etc. i found an old dream journal where i wrote down everything my heart desired. it’s not that i don’t want these things anymore, along with the endless listof all my other wants but i had to ‘laugh’ a little at how much i thought all of this would equal happiness & contentment.

i still want, god do i want but i’m a bit more open to the fact that no, you don’t get everything you want & that may be part of the magic because it is the very things you don’t want that often bring you the most enlightenment, if there was no conflict, how would anyone grow or evolve. a lot of these things, these people they will come & go.

~~~

i want to love myself more fiercely that anyone & tell my story like it matters, like it means something.

Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.

Labels: concert stubs, fairydust, maintenance, mundane., pesky thing