♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

some things i will miss about & one i won’t.

(posted on Friday, October 16 by eii wyy nae.)

in this photograph, the green balloon would be me.
the beach would be my playground, but there are no connections.
the white flag would be my friends in the eiiwyynae’s community.
the sea, or the ocean would be how wide & far & open my loneliness/emptiness feels.

it feels as if there is a dark cloud hanging over me. i've been looking outside, dreaming of all the possibilities. possibilities right here in front of me which i see, but don't know how to reach. i've been looking inside, a lot. have i awaken? in some sense, nope. but feeling the way i've been feeling the last year i would have to say nope. since moving to uni i've been trying to live in the moment nevertheless i’m always under the weather. i've been with myself for hours, which is nothing new, but i also know that i’ve never ever felt so hollow & painful. i've always thought this’ll never be me.

~~~

maybe it is the weather.
maybe it is me.
maybe it is loneliness.
maybe it is somebody else's fault.
maybe it is procrastination.
maybe i'm just tired ...

of reaching out.

of living in the moment.

of trying!

of smiling.

of seeking for reasons to be happy.

of wanting to go back home & uni.

of pulling my inner strength from deep down below.

of throwing my shoulders back.

knowing who i’m.

knowing i've not done everything humanly possible to make new friends & connections here.

but in this moment, i'm really hollow. for me to admit to all of the above & to know that i'm sending this out to the universe, is not me. i'm the one who always try to make things happen, even so i’m tired.

~~~

i need you out of my thoughts, i need you out of my heart.

Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.

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