♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

nails & hurt.

(posted on Sunday, October 11 by eii wyy nae.)

i am not really willing to write this post but i am coming out. i’ve to. for myself. mostly for myself - now. also, you’ve to know that i like detail ... feelings & emotions & sorrows & reactions ... clarifications ... honesty ... all upfront.

i didn't want to blog before i’ve not settled down because i want to start a whole new space. & being able to post & write things about the good in life all over again. thinking on & on the most important things in my life right now ... are mostly all shitty ... {i think this post would be part of the letting go}. i didn't want to blog, for all the same reasons as all the other beauties out there who feels insecure ... then all of a sudden ... i didn’t have the need to blog anymore. {most ‘amazing’ feeling i’ve on facebook}. i also thought to myself; get out there ... make your life happen ... & stop reading about how other's live ... grieving for nothing. this past week i've not been going onto facebook wanting to write in my status {somethingforwhat’itisnotworthfor}. part of all this is that it is difficult for me to express what i am feeling in words. i know i am so much more in real life. i think i just need to get this out there to the universe.

i used to love taking care of people; making them smile, doing something small or big to make them feel special ... anybody ... not just people around me but anybody. i used to talk alot. i talk even more when i get misery instead keyed up. weird but true.

i am so tired ... of smiling & acting confident. & as if what they say & do don't have an effect on me.

i am tired ... of breathing out, smiling, thinking to myself. .. “you’re better than this .. let it go”.

i am tired ... of not reacting on things that really hurt my heart ... of trying to act as if i belong ... as if i’ve a little space there.

i am tired ... of walking into ‘my dream' & having to find my feet again, having to tell people that i’ve the right to be there.

i am tired of having to proof myself to people that don't even add to my life.

i am tired of not being able to trust my own self.

i am tired of acting that everything is ok.

i am tired of feeling insecure in my own environment around a dream that i built.

i am sad {& tired} of letting comments go that hurt me.

i am done with people who say they love & respect you, saying hurtful things ... & just letting it go.

i am done with people stepping on me.

i feel like saying i am done being kind & honest and all that things ... but that would not be true at all because that is not who i am now.

oh-oh dear, this is just history. it.is.over.

the only difference was that this time, i did not stand back {or did i without noticing it}. i did not say i love you. i did not think ‘they’ don't know better. this time, i told them exactly how it hurt. no, i did not even do that. i told them exactly what i thought about them.

~~~

ashamed. yes.

sad. yes, very.

disappointed. yes.

angry. yes, i think.

upset. yes, very.

Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.

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