a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
confessional.
(posted on Wednesday, September 9 by eii wyy nae.)
this last week has been so therapeutic, savoring my moments, taking all good things into account ... i confess that i needed this to help me dodge the shadows that have crept up on me. as many of you guessed that post era la verdad, it was a true account & it took me back to a lot of anger & desperation. it was for this reason that i posted it late, i had doubts about being able to write this without feeling the light go out. the anger i still feel at their lives is frightening even to me; when i say i want to SCREAM i mean it literally, but then i don’t know if i would ever stop. pero no sirve lo "ahora", but it would not serve the "now". i can cry for him, i can be angry, but i have to live with it, i HATE it but i have to live with the choices that cannot be undone even if they were not my choices. all i can do is accept the fact that i did all i could.
although in reality, i want him, him, him.
this may sound harsh pero hablo del corazon y experiencia, i speak from my heart & from experience. i speak from harsh slaps & black eyes at the hands of someone who should have loved me. i speak from being jumped by a number of girls & boys when i was caught alone in the wrong neighborhood - living in fear of them for three long school years. i speak from a dark ugly place that ripped me out of childhood & left me too ashamed to tell anyone. i speak from a place of losing my only friend, from ugly days, a week before my birthday, & retreating from the world waiting to join her when i was only sixteen.
& i speak from the place where i realized that the world had not slowed down to console me, to wait for me to deal with my emotions, my anger, my pain, my tears, my fears & loneliness so that i could enjoy my youth. i am angry, i am so (fucking) pissed at times. but i breathe & watch the sun rise, el ojo derecho de dios, the right eye of god & remind myself that it is rising as much for me as anyone else. i matter & because i do, because i am important i will hear laughter if i listen, i will find happiness if i look.
what i could not control then, i try to come to terms with now. what was beyond me, i try to grasp now with both hands.
sometimes it slips through my fingers, but i know i have to keep reaching because when you catch it, it is a beautiful ride. thankyou for your beautiful thoughtful words that came when you didn't even know i needed them most. it helped me smile a little though. it helped me keep my thoughts where they should be. in the moment.
gracias. ~~~
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
Labels: dodging shadows., harsh slaps, losings, savoring moments, therapeutic, ugly days
