♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

corner of i don’t know & not sure.

(posted on Tuesday, August 25 by eii wyy nae.)

if i crumpled my life into a ball, would it bounce high into the sky, whirling & twirling before ever coming down? or would it simply roll away under a bush slowly disintegrating until all that was left were bits and pieces? i’m at a crossroads of sorts, & am uncertain what the next step should be. the right one will allow me to bounce high & stretch my wings, while if i choose poorly, i may be stuck under a bush with no clear way to reverse.

i do not like this feeling.

perhaps i should. perhaps i should remind myself that in this space i’m not so much in limbo as i am free to make choices not yet set in stone.

pero en verdad, but the truth is it doesn’t feel that way. it feels vast & empty, the roads before me mirages concealing the one road i really need. i can’t stay here, in this space, i know that; it would be worse than choosing the wrong path. i will be 20 this year & it is time to take this aspect of my life a bit more seriously. it’s time to take ME more seriously. i can’t put myself up on the shelf until everyone else is taken care of, yet it’s my fallback position. it’s the one role i’m most comfortable in, & it’s the one that keeps me from ever reaching out & having close friends in my life. to open up to others is not something i do. it’s not safe. give your heart to people & they are liable to toss it over their shoulders, or fling it like a pebble across a lake, skipping, skipping until it plops down to the bottom weighted by tears.

my crossroads is laden not only with decisions for the future, but with the need to express myself in the only medium that has ever given voice to my emotions. to my own fears, doubts, joys, & hopes. art & writing. a blank canvas, a blank page, a piece of wood, all these have always heard & held my words, never judging, never cringing, or impatient. they have always been my allies & closest friends. i trust them & i spill in our own secret language, & know there is nothing to fear.

so which road will allow me to keep these friends by my side? these friends that have stood by me when no one else would, when no one else could see the pain past the smile, the quick movements that kept me cooking, studying, lifting, cleaning, caring, hugging, & taking care of others, while a part of me lay on the floor of my heart telling myself it is ok not to let others in.

that next step will come to me, but it’s tiring keeping my foot mid-air, worried about where it will come down. it’s nerve-racking, yes? the not-knowing, the un-sureness?

for now breathe, & soon this corner will be at my back, growing tiny, tiny, in the review mirror. i will bounce & whirl & twirl, & dance & who knows, maybe i’ll never come back down.

but i can’t seem to move on. you know that, so do i.

Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.

Labels: crossroads., fallback position, mirages, not knowing, tengo que decidir

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