speak too loudly & the monster might hear. speak at all & people most definitely will. this is why “quiet” is the way to go. this is why crying is not allowed (though i do cry.). wrap everything - tears, fears, screams ~ into a little ball & keep it locked away. give nothing, & they can take nothing. the perfect plan. until, of course, the little ball, which has grown exponentially over the years, begins to fill you within; it encroaches on every inch. the plan begins to fall apart, the heart begins to race & stifle. a new plan is needed … these emotions must go … but how? there is no precedent for this, no experience how to begin; it goes against every lesson learned for keeping safe, sane, & functioning.

isolation becomes a dangerous tool. the need to withdraw, & not speak, not move, to go beyond what is fanciful & rest in what can be permanent. dark places that entice with the light of escape and possibility ... thankfully, i recognize this place before i venture too far. i stand on the cusp, catch my breath, & slowly, cautiously, move back. darkness recedes, real light, real sun, real places, real people. make-believe cannot save me this time, i cannot confuse it with dreams & hope. i say goodbye to the one, & cling to others.

i emerge & see that no one has noticed i was gone. not their fault, all this has taken place “inside”. perhaps one day i will speak out loud.

← older//