♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

For a heart is a home.

(posted on Monday, January 12 by eii wyy nae.)

For a heart is a home.

So what do you do when you are tired of having the blues? Well, you take out your green skinnies, dress in brighter colors than usual, listen to some funky music and start blogging again.

But still, I feel like I kind of owe you ganggs an explanation. My posts lately have been on the sucky side of things and I'm surprised so many of you have kept checking this blog while I was having the blues and writing poor excuses for a post.

You truly make me smile. =33 mmwaa!

Things have been strange lately and life has felt like an emotional rollercoaster. A rollercoaster you can't ever remember buying the ticket for. I got my heart a bit broken. The thing is, growing up, I was idealistic and romantic, and saw life as one of the beautiful novels that had shaped my youth.

Love was overwhelming and honest and if anything was wrong, then it was some external factor that the couple had to overcome.

Life taught me different. Love can be hard and it can easily change into something that has nothing to do with love and more to do with control, power and ego. Spent two years right before turning twenty in a grim relationship, for the time being, that I think I'm still working at overcoming.

Started as intense overwhelming love, turned into something completely different.

Now, well, I'm a bit on the skeptical side of things. I find it hard making myself vulnerable as I truly fear getting my heart broken. Not only that but, there is a world a life in. A world that I find in my room, in my books, in the gardens nearby my home, in my kitty, in my music, my letters from highschool, the photos I've collected; that I find hard to show to anyone. I'm scared that if I let anyone in and it goes wrong, then my own private world will be corrupted by it.

So I find it hard to let people in.

Weirdly enough, most people think of me as lively and outgoing; I find it hard to reconciliate that with how I truly feel.

So getting my heart broken was a hard blow because I never let people in. And I made the attempt to change that this last time.

Now ‘my charlieboy is slowly trying to make his way back. But I'm finding it hard to let him in. I can't mend something that feels bit broken.

Who knows. What will be, sadly I don't know.

Phew! I didn't plan to make it so personal, but that's how it came out. Also, miss thumbelina left for Colombia earlier this morning so I'm a bit emotional. I don't think I'll be seeing her soon and that's a bit hard. Remember how I was talking about my own private world? Well, I haven't let anyone in it in recent years in the way I've let her.

I hope this didn't sound to self-pitying. I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to share a bit.

So again. Thanks.

Again, no words. But this time, in a good way.

the diary keeper,
‘my charliegirl.

Labels: dour heartbreaks, emotional rollercoaster., hard blow, sucky sides

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