a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
the presence of absence remains with us forever.
(posted on Tuesday, January 11 by eii wyy nae.)
year is different because every year im in a different place in my life, but there is no way i would ever forget. im in the waiting room right now, counting down the days till the “anniversary of the split” while also counting down the days to the birth of my nephew. i’ve a ton of work to do; all of it work i want to sink into & enjoy but im a mess of emotion. birth, death & splits all packed into my small head. i havent been sleeping well, unsurprisingly.
my dreams are filled w/ babies in my arms & his arms around me; it is impossible to hide from the memories when youre unconscious. he was kissing me last night & i woke in tears; i find it extraordinary that these memories still have this effect on me. im in a really good place in my life. his memory is sometimes cherished but im looking forward to new possibilities this year & am so so ready to embrace them. but still there is this sadness. sometimes i think it is merely the echoes of grief resounding around me; it gets twisted into a new shape & you learn to live w/ the loss, to find new paths & joys but the grief really does mark you forever, like a ring in a tree trunk, a raised scar on your heart.
because the scar fades but its never completely gone & reminders can bee in the most unexpected of places & time. as yes indeed, grief gouges a scar into my very being. the presence of absence remains w/ me forever. grief & loss have been this dark painful forest i’ve had to traverse alone, sans map, sans compass, sans painless shortcut. when i emerge, im forever, irrevocably changed. i experience that time alone, like i think we’re meant to experience loss. i define myself in~part by my grief, the same grief i desperately dread, the same grief that i may never fully wish to relinquish.
in years to come i’ll still have these memories, kept in a dusty shoebox in the back of my mind; i’ll pull them out occasionally & run my fingertips over the smiles & promises. for now i’ll try to string words together for charity work & assignments & sleeping w/ the deceased @ night. i’ll try & hang in there & know this is indeed a lifelong process which like the sea will ebb & flow throughout my life. & the world keeps turning.
~~~
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
Labels: charity work, deceased, dusty shoebox, ebb, fingertips, gouges, lifelong process, mess of emotions, painful forest, raised scar, relinquish, resound, traverse, waiting room.
