♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

i choose to wake up.

(posted on Friday, January 28 by eii wyy nae.)

ive often wondered why it is so hard to find joy in my life. its not that im ungrateful for the abundance, or that im completely oblivious to the beauty in life. its all the judgments & fear that muddy the water. how can i look past them to see the bottom of the lake. im certain that my deepest intention for myself is to let go of judgments & fear & to make more space for the light of joy to shine through.

i try to remember this intention when i wake up, when i meditate, throughout my day & when im ready for bed. it helps when im hooked by judgments, fear or other difficulties. i must make an important point here. i cant just turn off the judgments or fear like a light switch. breathing in the difficulty & feeling the sensation in my body as best i can, then exhaling it fully really helps to give it space & to remind myself im not the judgments, im not fear. if i try to skip this step & move on to gratitude practice, focusing on joy or rewriting the old story w/ a new one, i havent allowed myself to fully accept the presence of the difficulty. it doesnt mean ive to believe the story, but i need to feel the unpleasant sensations before i can feel some ease.

thich nhat hahn once gave the analogy of growing lotus flowers. lotus flowers cannot grow on marble. they need mud. in this same manner, we cannot grow in understanding & compassion w/out suffering. after the mud, the judgments & fear settle, i look down to the bottom of the lake. i see the depths of my soul, my capacity for loving, kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy & equanimity. my petals open to the light of joy & i understand.

my life is not a curse. it is a gift. im repeatedly offered the chance to wake up or go on sleeping. i choose to wake up.

~~~

Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.

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