a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
if only to ease my mind.
(posted on Friday, December 17 by eii wyy nae.)
as i lay in bed last night, mind racing, i knew why ive been finding it so hard to write this post : this is a step that is still in progress. i havent got this one completely figured out yet but i need to talk about it. i lay in bed mulling all this over for the millionth time. i knew what i needed before the gym membership & the daily tummy exercise, the time off to recharge & move my body; i need to forgive myself.
forgiveness. what a lovely concept that is. its a word that makes me think of flowing white robes & beatific smiles & benevolence. its something ive had to cultivate in my life, trying to feel it in my heart & my head as a way to move through past hurts & let go of difficult feelings. but there is one person i always find it so difficult to forgive : my past. i dunno where this expectation that ive to bee perfect came from but its woven through my being like mould through cheese. & some heart~felt forgiveness of my flaws, of my very human fears & f*ck-ups, will help me move forward w/ a kinder perspective; beating myself up constantly achieves nothing. i know, ive tried. sometimes bodies get soft to cushion the blows that changes make as they are zooming through our lives.
i sense that this is an opportunity to practice gentleness once again, another chance to show myself love. because @ the moment im showing myself contempt & disappointment & that really isnt helping. its time to look honestly @ the reasons for my changing size & know that, when im ready, i can make different choices. i can work towards making changes; i can take each day as it comes & if its a day that needs a little extra sugar sprinkled on it then so bee it. & im moving towards these changes. the weather is improving which means i feel called to go out more. being a workaholic has been fantastic for getting fledgling dreams off the ground but looking after my body will help me maintain the energy im devoting to my work life.
because there is so much more i wanna do.
~~~
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
Labels: beatific smiles, benevolence, changing size, contempt, fledging dreams, gentleness, gym membership, millionth time., mull, sprinkling sugar, tummy exercise, workaholic
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