a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
ah. the “shoulds” unfortunately i know what its like to be bullied by the should.
(posted on Monday, December 13 by eii wyy nae.)
ive been trying to let go of expectations & shoulds because its apparent w/ every day i live that they do. not. serve. me. they make me distracted & dotty, trying to live up to what i think should bee happening. what i should bee doing. what i shouldve achieved by now. what my body should look like. hoo boy, thats a big one.
letting go of the shoulds is a daily practice, a minute~by~minute task i try to remember to do; some days are easier than others, depending on the hormonal winds blowing through my veins.for example, this weekend i was writing fluently, floating around my room feeling on top of my game. today, however, im ready to jump out the window & end it all. im sick of my own miserable company & have been self~medicating w/ coffee & toasted tea cakes since i woke up. no writing done, feeling like ive let myself down, cowering as the shoulds gleefully beat me w/ a stick. hormones & stress are a horrible mix.
“should” the most vicious word in the dictionary. im also in the midst of a “premenstrual maelstrom” {laughs} so these words are precious, help me to see the way to the end of this bleak place, help me keep passing the open windows {if youre a john irving fan} hope today is a better one. i hate those days. in fact, i presume one of them is going to bee when ive to go into uni four days in a row when all i feel like doing is never getting out of bed. just hope the next day will bee better, we can do it.
i know there will never bee a point when im so zenned out w/ everything & everyone i never have another worry; hormones will rage, deadlines will loom, nephews will grow, food will go bad in the fridge ~ its just life. & as much as i embrace my glorious imperfection, i’ll still have days like today, when i hate dislike myself intensely; & when they come round i just have to lean into them, try to let go of the should & make it through to bedtime.
“and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” ~ max ehrmann from the desiderata. that is enough for one day.
~~~
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
Labels: desiderata, dotty, expectations, fridge, glorious imperfection, hoo boy., horrible mix, john irving, loom, max ehrmann, premenstrual maelstrom, shoulds, tea cakes
