a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
finding a story’s heart.
(posted on Thursday, June 3 by eii wyy nae.)
i come home & here i stand, on this piece of pavement, not even a porch, not even level, it slopes downward & i stand under the porch light & my mind is full of too much, it is never empty when i stand here, i’m always hurried & feeling late, just beginning to be more comfortable with the knowledge that late is what i want it to be, i no longer need to be home at a certain time, freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose & all that & i’m even thinking that as i hurry to get the key in the lock & the groceries in the door.
i’m thinking i’m just not hungry anymore, but i need to eat & oh, the deciding what to eat when you're never hungry, when the only thing that sounds good is a dark chocolate peanut butter cup, of which i keep none in the house because i eat them all up when i buy them & so supper is a chicken sandwich & not the real chicken, the fake stuff, the cold~cuts chicken that i don't even want to think too much about; i once knew someone who worked in a processing plant for chickens & lunch meats & well, her stories were not pleasant.
i make the sandwich anyway & find that the tomato has frozen, so use a couple of pickles instead & not even a plate, just paper towels & a styrofoam cup for my coke & i think this isn't the way you should treat yourself, you should use real dishes, but the ice stays icy in a styrofoam cup & the sink is already full of dirty dishes, later, for dessert, i even use a plastic bowl & spoon for cereal with strawberries.
it should be better, it should be different, i tell myself, you should be nicer to yourself, all the magazines say so, you should have a real meal, you should set the table, light a candle, but this is the real world out here & it is 8 o'clock when i get home & though i’m not tired, i’m dragging, feeling the loneliness beginning to fill my chest & not just loneliness for tilly~belle, but also loneliness for the upcoming weekend, time off from work at last, the ever~wonderful nikki gone somewhere else, somewhere i would be unhappy & i can think of nothing i want to do except get in the vehicle & drive & see where i end up & hope there is room at the inn when i get there.
but there is tilly~belle cat to be fed & that limits time & i use that for my excuse, she is good for 2 or 3 days by herself, but then she’ll need me, no one else is there. i read a blog or two, i feel so behind, i check in on facebook & i return emails & it is 10 o'clock & my hair needs washed & i can tell i’ll be awake late.
~~~
you don’t seem to want me in your world, so i’ll escape to my own.
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
Labels: dirty dishes, real chicken., strawberries, styrofoam
