a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
baring my soul.
(posted on Wednesday, May 19 by eii wyy nae.)
up at 5am this morning, unable to sleep, i'd been fighting it for a while, the house felt too hot, but the a/c made it too cold & the whole place no longer feels like home anyway, everything is just different, the air molecules changed because there are only my breaths now, no tilly~belle breaths & i just couldn't stay, my jitteriness & sadness & grief & annoyance too much to fight.
so off to the “city”, a blanket thrown in the car, my lappy, a book, a coke & i was here in 2 or 3 minutes, downtown, no one on the streets. tilly~belle was at the front door, wide awake, watching the emptiness, seemingly waiting for me. meowing loudly behind the glass before i'd even opened the car's door. i unlocked the door & out she flew ~ she never ever does this, not out the front door & as i hauled my stuff from vehicle to building, she was around the corner, up the driveway leading to the parking area in back.
i locked everything up & followed, as she headed back to me, a garbage truck went by, lights flashing, engine roaring & tilly~belle was off into the night, away from me in an instant, but still back into the parking area, so i wasn't worried. i didn't loudly call for her & it took a bit to find her, calm her down, get her back in through the back door, but i managed & she managed & i lugged in my lappy, turned off lights that are usually left on & covering my eyes against the street lights, i fell asleep on the loveseat.
i awoke to find her with me; a crowded smooshed mess we were & i was afraid to move, afraid she would leave me, i'd grown so used to tilly~belle's last months, any movement on my part would send her looking for a steadier place, a more comfortable spot, one that stayed still as her balancing ability faltered. but she stayed & for 3 hours no matter how much i tossed & turned & tried to find room on this makeshift bed, she stayed.
at last awake, i fed her & settled back here onto the loveseat & she is with me now, leaning against me just like she used to, but not trying to push her way into my lap. she is sound asleep, her head resting against my left hand, not minding if i use it, just swimming up from her sleep a bit, purring & falling back.
goodbye is still far away. adeq, bungsu, mulai {my birds} still live in my heart. but tilly~belle & tiong bini are here & they’re forcing me to pay attention.
~~~
love turns perfectly sane people into fools.
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
Labels: driveway, garbage truck, jitteriness, loveseat, makeshift bed, meowing, purring., smoosh, street lights
