a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
that's just being honest.
(posted on Tuesday, April 13 by eii wyy nae.)
it's been one of those days following one of those nights, you know the kind, the kind where everything just feels annoying, your skin too thin. it has nothing to do with anything, not really, just the night before. a night not too bad except i made it that way.
i finished a few things at uni, counted my breaths, held my panic at bay with distraction & drugs. a half hour for me, i'm ashamed to admit but a half hour well spent, a half hour needed, time to move with my anxiety, sitting with it not an option, sitting with it an invitation to come out, come out, wherever it was.
time to allow my brother to take over the role i always play, the responsible one, the indispensable one, time for a curtain call, a last bow, an adios, see you later, time to move away from being the~one~they~always~call.
i was home before then, home to tilly~belle, then asleep on the couch, anxiety gone, ativan giving me rest but today the effects lingered. the idea of facebook seemed stupid, people's thoughts ridiculous; i questioned why i even bothered checking, everyone so cheery, “just an act”,
i told myself.
the news nothing but ipads & tiger woods & dancing with the stars & stella mc’cartney $600 vegan shoes styled after Birkenstocks & just ridiculousness & i felt righteous about my bad mood because truly, who could disagree that ipads are unnecessary & wrong in an economy where people cannot afford health insurance, because only the well~to~do will be able to afford them & where is the fairness in that.
i was quite snide, i sighed a great deal, quite loudly, muttered sarcastic remarks to the tv, to myself, to the internet, to tilly~belle, read blogs i knew would irritate me, sent not~nice thoughts to a blogger who bragged about leaving anonymous comments on others' blogs, a teaching moment, she indicated to her readers ~ a cowardly moment, i thought to myself.
~~~
you only think you loved me. shit. damn you so wrong.
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
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