♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

for the faint of heart, a heart can get better.

(posted on Saturday, January 30 by eii wyy nae.)

oh yeah. none of us really want to do that. to stand naked in front of the metaphorical mirror & nitpick myself. i’m sagging here. i’m chubby over here. & look at that, i never noticed that line before. & then the realization that, it’ll only get worse. it doesn’t get better from here. gravity. time. age. cookies. sighs. but i still have to look at me. in that mirror. & i’ll look at me. & i’ll look at my heart. {another sigh}

so many times i want to look the other way, pull on a pair of pajama pants & a big sweatshirt over the curt words, the frustrated thoughts & the single-mindedness of me. i want to rummage in my own closet through clothes on hangers to find the right face to wear, the right words to say, the perfect expression for my mouth.

a heart can get better.

but instead, i need to look directly at my heart & discover what needs to change in me. what do i need to fix to be the girl that god needs me to be for my fam~fam, my lecturers, my bestie & my friends. i need to look at myself in the harsh florescent lights & let they know me, search me.

can i change the impatience. can i change the procrastination. can i change the sometimes~laziness. can i fix the sour thoughts. is there hope for me. or am i destined to submit to time & allow myself to get worse & worse until i tumble into the bitterness of convalescent life. i look so hard & try to find that person that i really, really believe exist within me, but each time i look in the mirror it’s just me. the me who wants to see that person in the mirror smile because she “is” beautiful inside & out. i know that my heart longs to love & to be loved & i know that i must start, as michael jackson said, ”with the {man} woman in the mirror”.

at first, it wasn’t easy because looking at yourself almost requires you to make a change because none of us are perfect. lately, i’ve been enjoying looking at myself in the mirror. god has been doing a work inside of me & i’m back to working on the outside taking care of myself. i think i’ll go marvel at me a little more before i head out for my morning run.

reflecting on myself, i find that i don’t have a clear picture. it is amazing that my vision is skewed, not really seeing what is before my eyes. i struggle each day trying to work on myself, tweaking what i feel is lacking or needs to be changed. what can i’d to be a better person. it is a slow process. i feel like a caterpillar. one day i’ll become a beautiful butterfly. working from the inside out. may my beauty illuminate from within.

no.

what is funny is that i can stand in front of the mirror & scrutinize every little flaw in my naked body. everything is “wrong” in my eyes. then, i think of my heart ... why is it so much harder to see the flaws there when clearly they’re so much worse. i’ve to look at myself, but with god as the filter & the catalyst for change. there is definitely no vanity here, just an appreciation of my life & who god’s shaping me to become. looking at my heart is just as hard. it takes honesty & sometimes i’m not willing to do that. thank goodness god has not given up on me.

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