♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

charging my batteries after you say you want a revolution.

(posted on Sunday, January 3 by eii wyy nae.)

i've had a very rotten day. there's nothing specific i can point to except that i just didn't feel great ~ i felt very depressed & lonely. i had a terrible fight with coco. apparently we shouted to each other & kicked the door damn hard. he pointed out my bad habit of being bossy. hayy, he’s being darn lazy in the house & i get tired with chores. likewise, we never did such kind, ever before. we don’t bicker like any other siblings would. typically, we would just keep any wiles inside. but today, it’s way different. & i’m hurt so bad that he yelled at me. & that happen for the first time. he has changed. he’s just not the same brother to this big seester like he used to.

i’ve been telling him, fam~fam comes first. don’t let your feelings, ever, crush them out. don’t ever let your lover steal their spot, ever. i never want him to change for the worst {personally he is} because i know my brother so well. & for sure i can spot anything goes wrong about him right away. i told him, “your fam~fam wouldn’t leave your side till your last breath. so can you guarantee me that she’ll never leave you behind like HE DID.” those shoutings, arrogance, doubts & let~outs like, “aku lama sudah simpan, aku lama tahan. cuma aku inda buat/bagitau.” were so real to me that i could taste every inch of my past. i surrendered.

besides it was too warm to do anything fun & i didn't feel like doing any projects around the house. & yep, i still need to get to the doc to adjust my medication & i need to get back to my therapist to finish our discussion about my "feelings." regarding therapy, my therapist {who is super cool, by the way & has awesome taste in shoes} told me last time that i spend our sessions talking about behaviors & not talking about feelings. she says i'm too calm, too put together, too reserved. she wants me to get angry, mad & emotional.

over the last three weeks since our session, i've thought a lot about that. she's right. i've always been super even~tempered. i don't get emotional very often. i’ve even been ‘complimented’ on it several times. for example, my stalker~boy liked the fact that i wasn't a "hormone-driven woman" ~ it made his life so much simpler, which was what he was all concerned about.

so, here i’m with this ‘good’ trait that is getting me into trouble with my therapy ~ it's like this roadblock i've encountered & i don't know how to get around it. i just don't know how to get mad or angry or upset anymore. i just don’t care. i can label my feelings ~ those niggling things way down deep inside. i can whine & say i feel : lonely & ugly & stupid & worthless & not a human lover ... but what good does that do anyone to hear. what good does it do me to think about those things. instead, it's instinctual for me to just bury them, pick myself up by my bootstraps & keep trudging along. that's what everyone does, right.

getting upset about it or angry about it doesn't seem productive to me. i’ve no one to blame who probably did the best i could with the junk & psychosis i was given; & i can't blame this stupid e-harmony culture where no one really meets & dates normally anymore.

it's me. just me. so, why get mad. why get angry. why waste emotions on feelings that get you nowhere but sadder & more depressed in the end. i'm not sure of the answers to any of that. these are definitely things i need to work out in therapy. but for today, i'm definitely feeling depressed & restless & all those other things i mentioned above, but i’m still not going to get emotional about it. i think i'll just pour another cup of tea, watch some mindless tv & go read your lovely blogs. sigh.

~~~