♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

won’t somebody think of the broken.

(posted on Sunday, November 8 by eii wyy nae.)

it has been quiet & bit boring here, thankyou to myself for being patient. i’ve finally removed my hesitant, sentimental, ever growing-butt from the magic cottage & have been staying with a friend during this transition. all i’ve to say is thankyou god almighty for angel friends. for reals. i’m finding there is strength in asking directly for what you need. any kindred peeps out there that want to meet for tea give me a shout. wow, grief is such an odd cocktail of light & dark-dreary drippy grays & mud stained snow & then watermelon sugar highs & lemon peels in sunlight.

i've usually been one to either run from darkness altogether by over compensating with goodness, or indulging in darkness until i fall down the rabbit hole & can’t get out. oy. the all or nothing girl. it just doesn’t cut it anymore.

i’m also realizing that i’ve avoided darkness is the past by either engaging or creating some drama so i don’t have to feel or be responsible for my own feelings. while this distraction worked at the time, ultimately it stunted my personal growth & left me unable to identify my own energy from others-which of course, manifested more drama. i want to share as openly as i can, in hopes that it’ll help others feel less alone in their transition.

break-ups are so similar to death. of course, the huge difference is you can see that person again, it is not as final as death ... but the stages of grief feel familiar to me. it killed the world i knew in a blink & then threw me into another with no map or light. i was like an angry caged animal ... a ticking time-bomb, an abandoned child acting out old traumas mindlessly. none of my close friends had experienced losing such person yet, which made me feel more alone. i did eventually make it through & am at peace with the fact that those days had passed ... but a part of me wishes i could go back & comfort that wild child who recklessly lashed out at friends, hugged an untruth man, made rash decisions, engaged with vampire-like people that sucked her dry, etc, etc.

i was grieving for so long, completely clueless as to how to do it. there was no manual. there were grief books but the authors seems too far removed & i could not resonate. ultimately i was waiting for someone to come in & tell me what to do. save me from myself. now i know at 20 that no one is supposed to come in & save me. there’re many compassionate friends that have stepped up & made it a much smoother, softer, ride. there is a good therapist. there are sweet students who help heal more than they’ll ever know. there is constant love dancing around me like twinkling white christmas lights. but while all if this is lovely & i’m forever grateful, at the end of the day i need to show up for myself. no matter who leaves, no matter what shifts, no matter what happens. i cannot control any of it. dammit. i’ve tried.

i put some heavy expectations on love, friends & family in the past. when you’re out of touch with your own strength & energy, you rely on others to fill that void. i try to use that experience i had then to help guide me through now. what would i have done differently. for one, i would have given myself a big fat break. i’ve would gotten quiet enough so i could hear my own voice. i would have understood that it was terrible & sad & heartbreaking, but that one day i would wake up & feel a little better. life would come again.

that is what it feels like now, this grief-sad & heartbreaking, but necessary & natural. some days it feels like a hot bath & a good movie. some days it feels like a glass of green apple juice at my favorite spot with a friend who will make me laugh. some days it is reading & hiding out eating chicken potpie. {the new diet i’m on} change is uncomfortable. change is awkward, it makes you vulnerable & sometimes snarky & other times so grateful you could cry. change does not make you the best friend in the world & it also makes your brain feel like macaroni & cheese. but grief & change shift too, it’s not permanent, we all go through it, together. i think that is what comforts me the most.

~~~