a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
saving the one shot.
(posted on Thursday, October 22 by eii wyy nae.)
i struggle. moving here, to uni, i decided that i'm just going to breathe through everything, in the end 'everything will be okay'. it does not feel ok. i’m coping, but i'm unhappy. with breathing through everything, i’ve stopped living who i’m. everything happening with or around me, was thought of as a learning curve, something i needed to learn in my life. i love talking & chatting & laughing, but since living my life i’ve right now i’ve stopped doing any of it, because of fear of what people are going to think of & do to me. they’re different, i’ve to adapt to their way of living which is absolute kadoodles. exceptions : my girlfriends & my bestie. i realise i've been stopping myself from expressing who i’m, living what i believe in, stopping myself 'thinking i’ve to learn something'. you learn through doing & being ... not by waiting & seeing.
" i'm quiet, but loud.
i'm reserved, but open.
i'm shy, but confident.
i'm a lover of people, but they’ve to reach out to me as well.
i'm consistently trying to please others, but really wanting to only please myself. (?)
i'm impulsive, but responsible.
i love to take care of people, but haven't i reluctant to do that now & in years to come.
i'm a hard worker, but feel as if i’ve not done anything this past year.
i'm an avid reader of anything, but feel too guilty to sit down & read.
i'm constantly aware of the sacrifice i made to come here, continuously looking for what i’m suppose to learn through all this. "
within all these words i realise that i'm not living who i know i’m. i'm constantly taking a step back, scared of stepping on anybodies toes. i'm tired of living like this. it's too much hard work. jenny stops me in my tracks. i don't have anything to complain or moan about. i wish i don't have anything to worry about nevertheless, i’d. jenny always stops me right in the midst of my thoughts but i know that my feelings & thoughts and my life is real to me, so does the pain i’m through.
coming back to myself ... even though i want to have all these attributes of friends, i know i’m only myself. i may already have some of these qualities, but, thinking about the difficult road i’m walking within myself to be where i’m today, i don't have time to waste trying to be someone i’m not. so whether you dislike who i appear to be now & you feel i’ve turn out to be a disaster, i don’t care not a wink. trusting that i know myself.
~~~
forget the times he spoke my name, remember now i’m not the same. forget the times he held my hand, forget the sweet things if i can.
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
Labels: attributes, avid reader, coping, kadoodles, learning curve., sacrifices, wink
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