a message for you.
please excuse my dust as this blog site is still under construction.
for him everywhere.
(posted on Tuesday, October 6 by eii wyy nae.)
someone left some paint out in the rain - the raccoons left this reminder. it seems a perfect segue from the omo people; these footprints simple, plain, the raccoons anything but. three of them stood at my front door last week, under the porchlight, the black night behind them, staring into the house. had the door been open they would have made themselves at home. it is ‘fall’ & this afternoon a cool front blew in to remind me who's boss. the wind was up tonight as i drove the streets, leaves splashing against the windshield, the dark arriving noticeably earlier; there is not much daylight still out there. sometimes there is none. just the darkness greets me.
a melancholy day, this day after a panic attack. let's talk about anxiety tonight. my anxiety disorder has lived with me since childhood, keeping me "safe", keeping me away from all those things i really want, all those things i want to do. that scared little girl i brought into existence to protect me, who has outgrown her welcome, but has no place else to go, that scared girl with her shaking hands on my soul. i’m exhausted with fighting her. sometimes she wins.
last night she won a big round; she thinks she's keeping me out of danger, but she's keeping me out of life & i cannot convince her otherwise. remember?, she’ll whisper, that time in the car. you were 8 or 9. you were trapped. yep, i reply, i remember. & i feel it all again, i feel it more now than then. i must escape, never mind from what, it doesn't matter, i just need out, i just need out, i just need out. but i don't want out, i want to stay in, i want a life that is not controlled by a memory, just a memory, just a thought, but i don't know how to win.
i spend hours fighting her, giving in to her - do your worst, i say, hours cajoling her, sweet talking, crying, begging, knowing she’ll eventually go, but terrified that maybe this time she won't. she always does, she has my best interest at heart, or so she thinks.
i thank her for caring, i tell her it's okay, i don't need her now, but she doesn't believe me & she stays. i feel her footprints on my heart & across my belly. waiting until the next time i want something.
Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.
Labels: cajoling, omo people., perfect segue, windshield
