♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

heart under lock.

(posted on Friday, September 4 by eii wyy nae.)

one of the very qualities that got me through some very dark moments in my life has also been a quality that caused a lot of repression. no surprise there i suppose as life is made up of a variety of these paradoxes, no? however, the ability to always be glass half-full while giving me (strength) also, a tiempos, at times gave me a false bravado to push past sadness so that i never dealt with it properly.

when i was a child i use to push back my sadness & anger with anger towards bullies. i gave tears for my own heartache no time to spring forward because tears for others always took precedence. even in the beginning of my adolescence i continued to dismiss my fears, my sadness as ungrateful for all that i had been given & this plunged me into a terrible darkness when at last the weight of all these emotions ground me into a hole from which i might not have escaped, had it not been for the ability to slowly, over time, find my perspective like a thread of hope that i climbed hand over hand, year after year.

at such a close call i vowed never to be trapped like that again, to never give in to desperation. i did this by finding happiness everywhere in everything, by crusading for people who did not have the strength to do this for themselves. you see where i went wrong, yes? i was doing the same thing all over again. slowly but surely, without my seeing it, i was wearing thin. i told myself i had no reasons to complain & again the generosity of my emotions, my compassion went to others, while i remained stingy with myself. & for all the people whose hand i held, whose tears i wiped, whose letters i wrote, or sorrows i took on, i remember clearly that at the end of the day there was no one there for me. the door to my soul was open to everyone ... yet all their doors remained closed, hoarding all the gifts of my heart under lock & key & if i had knocked they could not have heard me behind this barricade ... & i accepted this. surely, i could give without expecting anything in return, no? porque tenia yo algo, because i had my perspective & a strength that i was tapping into believing i could never run out again. i couldn’t because this time i would fail everyone. asi sigi, i continued this way, giving, listening, withholding nothing but my own needs.

then this year it hit once more. {enough said}

pushing past any emotional pain all my life it was only a matter of time before i learned to ignore any type of pain, even physical pain. i noticed i tired more easily, i ran out of breath at odd times, but that comes with age, no? all this would take its toll someday y le sigi pujando, so i pushed on. then came the day that my breath left me completely, i was in so much pain, i was shaky & i waited on the edge of my bed waiting for it to pass. expecting, as i always had, that i could get through this alone. it took me a few minutes before i was able to move. i thought i was having a heart attack, by now i realized how careless i had been. a few old wounds that i had never let heal properly had taken their toll & though i am back to my old physical self, i have come to terms that emotionally i have to, every once in a while, take precedence.

yet left me emotionally adrift. for as much as i had run from that sad little girl who sat in ‘her’ tree daydreaming of make-believe happiness, i had run too quickly & didn't actually help ‘her’ make it back to the ground. i have gone back to ‘her’, i am listening to ‘her’ stories, the make-believes & the ones that sent ‘her’ up into the tree in the first place. i was learning to reach out to hold someone else's, but then again there is no one to hold at this moment.

gone.

Signed with love,
the diarykeeper, eii wyy nae.

Labels: emotional pain, emotionally adrift, heart under lock., make-believe happiness, old wounds, precedence, wearing thin

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