♥ {confessional, sweet battle && interrupted thoughts} ♥

almost here, almost gone.

(posted on Wednesday, March 25 by eii wyy nae.)

The whole world seems to be made of colors that are almost-here, almost-gone.

The sky I thought was white, white, white, is tinged with a damp gray, the streets and trees are foggy. Nothing quite real, nothing quite solid, everything with one foot here, one foot there. The trees loom like bones over the neighborhood, the birds calling to each other, unseen, their voices mixed with the mist, unreal, unreal, perhaps not birds at all.

My mind is everywhere - I awoke at 5, and moved to the couch, raising the blinds so I could see meme's house bathed in darkness, the sky at that time a dull almost-red. An email from Christy felt like warm arms surrounding me with understanding, and I fell asleep, waking later to this almost-whiteness.

Late, as usual - it is always later than I think it is - no time even for my morning shower - face scrubbed, shoes on, I am out the door, forgetting mommy’s check which must be deposited. Unlocking the door to find that and some cash, throwing bananas and potato rolls into a bag, grabbing a coke, I am back out the door. I cannot remember that I have to push the button on my keychain to unlock the doors to mommy’s car - it confuses me.

I am thinking of To Kill a Mockingbird - there's a bit where Scout is remembering when Mrs. Radley died, or she's hearing the story from Jem; she remembers how quiet they had to be, how the neighborhood waited in quietness. I think of that in flitting thoughts, not really seeing the entire passage, not really remembering it, but feeling it, watching the quietness of our block, the gray mist, the white skies.

A text message from Katie tells me of her dream last night:

" . . . a hawk was dying slowly and Charlie (the cat.) wrapped himself around the hawk and was holding it."

This after a visit to Mary last night, almost-asleep, almost-awake, almost-here, but mostly-gone, looking quite birdlike tucked up in her nest/bed. And so we wait, we continue on, we move from home to the grocery store, we remember to pay bills, we try to eat, we lead our normal lives, but with a white sky in the background - waiting for a phone call, waiting, waiting, waiting for a breath that will not come again, and we are teary-eyed on and off; we have been here before with others, we are not unschooled in this art of saying goodbye.

And goodbye we have said, it is okay, we have said, let me hold your hand, we have said.

The world today is full of colors that are almost-here, almost-gone.

It is cold.

Signed with love,

the diary keeper, ‘my charliegirl.

Labels: almost whiteness, birdlike, foggy street, goodbyes, hawk, mist, mocking bird, scrubs, unreal., white sky

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